It's been a long time since I've written. I've come a long way from the person I used to be. I've begun to take accountability for some things in my life. I've begun to heal my inner child. I know I'm strong. I often use my pain/anger to fuel my determination to grow.
But sometimes, on nights like these, I just wish I had an ally by my side. someone who has as much consideration for me as I do for people. someone who freely gives to me the way I give to the world. I guess it doesn't have to be any one person. but I wish I had people I could trust to have my back. Someone who understands how much I hurt sometimes, how hard I work to rise above it, and who supports me wholeheartedly and honestly. I want someone who prioritises my feelings at least some of the time. it feels like everyone else has family, friends, or a lover, someone who sticks up for them and accepts them for who they are. and what do I get? naysayers, people who try to take and take, people who I cannot trust.
I know I need to first give myself the validation and care and love I need. I need to stand up for myself. I need to treat myself with respect, to teach others how to treat me. but the wounded inner child rears her head in the most unexpected of times, and I defer/demur. occasionally, I do wonder if it will be easier to just give up and end things. but only very occasionally, and very briefly. because I realise that unresolved patterns in one life often carry over to the next (if you believe in reincarnation). I don't think death is simply oblivion, otherwise it would be way too easy. Better to stay and deal with it in this life while I have the strength, for I believe also that the universe does not hand people things they cannot deal with.
I promise I will. I will work on myself, I will become an ally to myself so strong that I no longer need to fear, to bear and feel hurt by the judgement of others, to people-please, to feel bad about not standing up for myself, and to feel disappointment over and over in the kind of people near me.
but first, I'm kind of tired, I'm kind of sad, and I wish I had just one person/thing I could fall back on in times like this. I know I can do this alone until then, but I sometimes don't really want to. just one. one cheerleader, one sometimes-defender, one home for my heart. one person whom I can fully trust my heart with, who won't just hurt me in a moment of anger. no one is perfect, but I would like someone who has more restraint, who takes my sensitivity seriously as I would for them. And no, it doesn't have to be a lover, just an ally of some sort.
for now, I will turn to myself, my spirit guides, my hopes and my determination. for there is no other choice but to soldier on. good things are here for me, and I must believe that.
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