Late night musings - 1 year into my spiritual journey

 It's been a long time since I've written. I've come a long way from the person I used to be. I've begun to take accountability for some things in my life. I've begun to heal my inner child. I know I'm strong. I often use my pain/anger to fuel my determination to grow. 

But sometimes, on nights like these, I just wish I had an ally by my side. someone who has as much consideration for me as I do for people. someone who freely gives to me the way I give to the world. I guess it doesn't have to be any one person. but I wish I had people I could trust to have my back. Someone who understands how much I hurt sometimes, how hard I work to rise above it, and who supports me wholeheartedly and honestly. I want someone who prioritises my feelings at least some of the time. it feels like everyone else has family, friends, or a lover, someone who sticks up for them and accepts them for who they are. and what do I get? naysayers, people who try to take and take, people who I cannot trust.

I know I need to first give myself the validation and care and love I need. I need to stand up for myself. I need to treat myself with respect, to teach others how to treat me. but the wounded inner child rears her head in the most unexpected of times, and I defer/demur. occasionally, I do wonder if it will be easier to just give up and end things. but only very occasionally, and very briefly. because I realise that unresolved patterns in one life often carry over to the next (if you believe in reincarnation). I don't think death is simply oblivion, otherwise it would be way too easy. Better to stay and deal with it in this life while I have the strength, for I believe also that the universe does not hand people things they cannot deal with. 

I promise I will. I will work on myself, I will become an ally to myself so strong that I no longer need to fear, to bear and feel hurt by the judgement of others, to people-please, to feel bad about not standing up for myself, and to feel disappointment over and over in the kind of people near me. 

but first, I'm kind of tired, I'm kind of sad, and I wish I had just one person/thing I could fall back on in times like this. I know I can do this alone until then, but I sometimes don't really want to. just one. one cheerleader, one sometimes-defender, one home for my heart. one person whom I can fully trust my heart with, who won't just hurt me in a moment of anger. no one is perfect, but I would like someone who has more restraint, who takes my sensitivity seriously as I would for them. And no, it doesn't have to be a lover, just an ally of some sort. 

for now, I will turn to myself, my spirit guides, my hopes and my determination. for there is no other choice but to soldier on. good things are here for me, and I must believe that. 

My life sucks!

I feel so pissed.. I have to go out almost everyday, because of tuition and school. Shit! Cos some students already have holidays. And to make things more annoying, people seem to assume I'm freer than I really am, so they expect me to come on time etc etc. I really am in no condition to endure all this so I'm going to try to come on time. And to cut down time dawdling on what I should wear, I've decided to simplify everything by wearing my school uniform everywhere. Ha! Then they won't assume I've got all this free time. I'm gonna do that tmr. It should work. To hell with everything.
Btw I just got a new haircut. I hope it'll look good by tmr, so that there'll be one less thing to agonize over. Honestly, I could get pissed at everybody, from those who expect stuff from me, to those who always seem to surpass me. I hope it's not just a phase, whatever I think I'm experiencing now. Because it reminds me of the ugliness of man, of how the beautiful always are given better treatment and forgiveness because they're beautiful. And to remind myself more and prevent myself from falling into the trap of loving others, I've decided to wear a pair of rose earrings for as long as I wear ear studs. They don't have to be the same pair, but they should always be of a rose design. This is to remind me that even if I may not be considered a rose in everybody's eyes, I can at least grow thorns to protect myself from getting hurt or disappointed. Seriously, there may be those who think I'm just being dramatic and wallowing in self pity and being pathetic, but that's the way I feel so I won't listen. Because my true nature is too vulnerable. I tend to want to believe good things, and the disfulfillment of them always makes me bitter. Yes, I'm quite a bitter person, but I'm trying to slow it down. I don't want to be a bitter person, too. Unless it protects me by turning my heart into ice and instilling apathy in me, so that I will feel less exhausted from the emotions that life brings. Recently, I was listening to the song 'bad apple', and I must say, I identify with the lyrics pretty well, eg 'merely walking leaves me exhausted, so how could I care for anyone else?' and 'sadness only exhausts me, so I'd rather live my life feeling nothing'. I can enjoy life on my own; I don't need false hope.

Sodomisation

Yeah, I think that was the word I came across. Before, I'd been looking for urban legends to read about. So then I stumbled across wikipedia's zoophilia and bestiality section. Then I was reading and learnt of the possibility of reverse bestiality. I mean, what the hell?!! I knew humans could be attracted sexually to animals (in fact, I was just contemplating the possibility of having a panther boyfriend; one who could interchange between his animal and human forms) but I didnt know animals could feel the same. I mean, I always thought they were straighter and less screwed up than we humans were. Then I started googling stuff like that. Some were pretty funny!! Especially youtube. But then I learnt about dolphins gang-raping humans, or attempting to. They hook their prehensile penises about swimmers' limbs. What the hell?!!! That sounds like one of the hentai manga I read out of curiosity (eww..) omg..
Anyway I suddenly thought of a scene with ulquiorra, grimmjow and ichimaru gin.. Weird..
And now, I'm going crazy reading up on every urban legend I could find on the Internet. Ah ha ha ha.. I wonder what the midnight man really is..

Honestly speaking

My situation isn't too good. I haven't really been keeping up in class and I haven't done homework for a very long time. I wonder how my group leader does it- not sleeping enough, I mean. I'm very tired, and I sleep more than him. And my envy x oc story isn't going anywhere, since I can't imagine any romance at all. Is that sad or sad? I've been reading too many yaoi tales to actually be able to imagine a normal, straight romance! Damn! Really.. I'm so dead.. Perhaps I should just keep waiting for the envyxoc fics to end first so I'll have an idea of how they're gonna incorporate romance into the plot. Because seriously my only reason for writing such a fanfic is to make a statement about how everybody just loves to cast envy in a yaoi role.. When I think he's more of a straight person despite his quirks.. But on the bright side, at least I feel like I'm making improvement in my oral presentation skills. But back to my own subject, I think I've fallen out of love with envy. Now it's the black panther bagheera. Like, in mowgli, book of jungle tales or something like that? He loves humans. Plus I bet if he assumed human form he'd be really cool, like all amber-eyed and wild, slim,well-muscled frame, and long,sleek, ebony hair. Of course, how could we forget the sharp gleaming fangs, wonderful feline grace and deadly speed and strength? Not to mention the fierce protectiveness and nobility, like how a real man should be? Yeah, I think I'm in love with him now. I don't think it'll last, though. Remember how last time it was sesshoumaru instead. Haha. I wonder if I'll be so fickle if they were real. Or perhaps my cat Fye, or even a werewolf. Kya! Hearts are flying everywhere! *^.^*

Writer's block

I seem to be making a habit of posting more than once in a single day, huh? I'm having writer's block.. Seriously, I don't know how to start, and I haven't any romantic scenes planned out.. I spent this afternoon scrounging and reading yaoi manga on a whim. There was one I really liked about a dark skinned guy who sought refuge at a church because everybody treated him badly. He had horns and a tail, though really, he's the hottest guy in the whole book! So yeah, actually he's an incubus who somehow got lost in the human world. So yeah, he and the priest began to have a sexual relationship *wink wink* it's even more enjoyable since it's so sinful, yet kinda sweet too. The incubus, while being kinda perverted and a tease, is at the same time devoted to the priest and kind of innocent. And it helps that humour was part of the plot, especially when his oldest brother, baldur, appeared on the scene. Yaoi aside, I really wonder if I can write such a story.. I seem to have lost my skill for writing. I have the ending vaguely there, where she follows envy to his death. Why? Because I love tragedies, and it seemed the only appropriate ending. After all, she's already the last of her long-forgotten kind. She belongs neither to the FMA world nor the world beyond the gate (ie our world, where seraphs aren't exactly common, nor accepted by everyone.) and in the beginning she never really had a purpose in her life until she began to turn into an aviaria drago during.. The full moon? But then her journey was driven only by curiosity. She never had anything to lose, nor was it ever her concern that amestris would later be threatened - though this attitude would not be immediately recognized by most, what with her cowardly 'I'm going to live!' attitude.
But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START!!! Plus my writing style is kinda crap.

Doubting myself

I think I screwed up my Chinese paper 1. I'm pretty bad at writing story compositions, especially Chinese ones. My grasp of the Chinese language is rudimentary, though I'm proud to say that I never speak Chinese inaccurately. I just hope I'll do better than I think I did. That's not saying anything, though. Last night I didnt sleep well. I woke up quite a few times because of the goddamned phone call of my uncle's friend in china, because my uncle suddenly got a heart attack there. Even now my 2 aunts are preparing to fly over to join him in case. But it really gets my goat that he can't call the handphone instead. At least the sound wouldn't reverberate throughout the house. Today is so not a good day..
I hate myself..
I'm still thinking about the envyxoc story.. Donno how I'll write it. Maybe I'll just go episode by episode. And I'll make her a shota after all, one who is kinda well known because pictures of him have been used as an incentive to lure young women into the military and some men too, sort of like Roy mustang's photos.. And it'll be funny! Haha. Perhaps I'll have 'him' kidnapped by envy during the burning library incident. Yeah. She overslept in the library and tried to fight them, but then scar appeared, everything got messed up so she tried to retreat after scar injured her quite severely, although she regenerated. Envy saw that so he kidnapped her. Fire is the antithesis of a fallen so she is probably weakened. Thats when envy picks her up.
But I've already started encountering problems at chapter 1. Should I have her waking up from a dream, then getting a mission from Roy mustang, or should I have her wake up while on a journey to reole, thus immediately launching into the action? I feel I might have to rewatch the show again.. But I think a shota would be kinda interesting. She could look 13, but claim she was 15, yet she's really an 18-year-old girl..

Yeah, yeah, I write too much nonsense

I really don't want to start studying! I just want to daydream.. Or better yet, read an envyxoc fanfic.. I want to be able to immerse myself in trying to write the story.. But I can't because I need to study for tomorrow.. What if I studied quickly, then I'd have time to write? Well, see, I'm now thinking that a Fallen Seraph ought to be the antithesis of a seraph, so it ought to be affiliated with ice the way a seraph is affiliated with fire. I was thinking of modifying the plot. Rather than have enfer be the seraph, I'll have her descend from one. Then, because of that curse(you know, the one where she morphs into an avian dragon thingy every new moon) she is on a quest to find the cure. But how do I fit that into the plot of alchemy? Perhaps she thinks the philosopher's stone can help her? Perhaps she thinks dante's knowledge may provide a clue as to what she is? Yeah, that might work, since some of her characteristics are remarkably similar to that of the homunculi. So anyway, probably in the 1600-1700s, there was drachma, a prosperous land with a tendency to flood. Then one day, the skies darkened and a huge ice storm blew through the land for 20 years. During this period, the climate of the land changed, till it is now the cold, frost-covered land it is. Some say that this was caused by the despair of an irridescent winged creature known as the Ice-bringer, or the Zaharen-Yce, which had suddenly appeared one day via a huge bright gate in the sky, which then closed up, leaving the creature trapped in this world. Its despair had unleashed a vast stream of power, which then iced drachma over. Having spent its power, it then disappeared along with the everlasting blizzard, leaving behind the legend of the Zaharen, a non-human people who had descended from this first winged creature. It is said that these people now walk amongst the human people of the various lands. They learnt to conceal their natures and thus coexist peacefully with humans. It is also speculated that the famous 'Man of the East', the one who first taught alchemy to the amestrians, was one of the zaharen.
So enfer is one of these. And she grew up not knowing of her heritage, but when she was a child, her mother used to tell the story of the Zaharen to her(it was a hint as to her true heritage). She never had the problem of the shapeshifting until she hit the age of 15. By then, her parents had already been killed in the Ishvallan war, so she was left without guidance, left to discover the secrets of her family and to survive on her own as the last child of an ancient race. Knowing that her best bet was to become a state alchemist (they had access to more resources etc) she became one. After all, she had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.. In the search, she caught dante's attention and was thus brought to work with her. But then perhaps I'll follow the adventures of fullmetal alchemist, and she'll perish at the end since she'll probably never find a way back, never fit in anywhere, being the lost child of a long-forgotten race.. How, though? What's a glamorous way to die?
Hey, I like this story! It's certainly tragic enough.. I just hope I don't give up halfway..