My life sucks!

I feel so pissed.. I have to go out almost everyday, because of tuition and school. Shit! Cos some students already have holidays. And to make things more annoying, people seem to assume I'm freer than I really am, so they expect me to come on time etc etc. I really am in no condition to endure all this so I'm going to try to come on time. And to cut down time dawdling on what I should wear, I've decided to simplify everything by wearing my school uniform everywhere. Ha! Then they won't assume I've got all this free time. I'm gonna do that tmr. It should work. To hell with everything.
Btw I just got a new haircut. I hope it'll look good by tmr, so that there'll be one less thing to agonize over. Honestly, I could get pissed at everybody, from those who expect stuff from me, to those who always seem to surpass me. I hope it's not just a phase, whatever I think I'm experiencing now. Because it reminds me of the ugliness of man, of how the beautiful always are given better treatment and forgiveness because they're beautiful. And to remind myself more and prevent myself from falling into the trap of loving others, I've decided to wear a pair of rose earrings for as long as I wear ear studs. They don't have to be the same pair, but they should always be of a rose design. This is to remind me that even if I may not be considered a rose in everybody's eyes, I can at least grow thorns to protect myself from getting hurt or disappointed. Seriously, there may be those who think I'm just being dramatic and wallowing in self pity and being pathetic, but that's the way I feel so I won't listen. Because my true nature is too vulnerable. I tend to want to believe good things, and the disfulfillment of them always makes me bitter. Yes, I'm quite a bitter person, but I'm trying to slow it down. I don't want to be a bitter person, too. Unless it protects me by turning my heart into ice and instilling apathy in me, so that I will feel less exhausted from the emotions that life brings. Recently, I was listening to the song 'bad apple', and I must say, I identify with the lyrics pretty well, eg 'merely walking leaves me exhausted, so how could I care for anyone else?' and 'sadness only exhausts me, so I'd rather live my life feeling nothing'. I can enjoy life on my own; I don't need false hope.

Sodomisation

Yeah, I think that was the word I came across. Before, I'd been looking for urban legends to read about. So then I stumbled across wikipedia's zoophilia and bestiality section. Then I was reading and learnt of the possibility of reverse bestiality. I mean, what the hell?!! I knew humans could be attracted sexually to animals (in fact, I was just contemplating the possibility of having a panther boyfriend; one who could interchange between his animal and human forms) but I didnt know animals could feel the same. I mean, I always thought they were straighter and less screwed up than we humans were. Then I started googling stuff like that. Some were pretty funny!! Especially youtube. But then I learnt about dolphins gang-raping humans, or attempting to. They hook their prehensile penises about swimmers' limbs. What the hell?!!! That sounds like one of the hentai manga I read out of curiosity (eww..) omg..
Anyway I suddenly thought of a scene with ulquiorra, grimmjow and ichimaru gin.. Weird..
And now, I'm going crazy reading up on every urban legend I could find on the Internet. Ah ha ha ha.. I wonder what the midnight man really is..

Honestly speaking

My situation isn't too good. I haven't really been keeping up in class and I haven't done homework for a very long time. I wonder how my group leader does it- not sleeping enough, I mean. I'm very tired, and I sleep more than him. And my envy x oc story isn't going anywhere, since I can't imagine any romance at all. Is that sad or sad? I've been reading too many yaoi tales to actually be able to imagine a normal, straight romance! Damn! Really.. I'm so dead.. Perhaps I should just keep waiting for the envyxoc fics to end first so I'll have an idea of how they're gonna incorporate romance into the plot. Because seriously my only reason for writing such a fanfic is to make a statement about how everybody just loves to cast envy in a yaoi role.. When I think he's more of a straight person despite his quirks.. But on the bright side, at least I feel like I'm making improvement in my oral presentation skills. But back to my own subject, I think I've fallen out of love with envy. Now it's the black panther bagheera. Like, in mowgli, book of jungle tales or something like that? He loves humans. Plus I bet if he assumed human form he'd be really cool, like all amber-eyed and wild, slim,well-muscled frame, and long,sleek, ebony hair. Of course, how could we forget the sharp gleaming fangs, wonderful feline grace and deadly speed and strength? Not to mention the fierce protectiveness and nobility, like how a real man should be? Yeah, I think I'm in love with him now. I don't think it'll last, though. Remember how last time it was sesshoumaru instead. Haha. I wonder if I'll be so fickle if they were real. Or perhaps my cat Fye, or even a werewolf. Kya! Hearts are flying everywhere! *^.^*

Writer's block

I seem to be making a habit of posting more than once in a single day, huh? I'm having writer's block.. Seriously, I don't know how to start, and I haven't any romantic scenes planned out.. I spent this afternoon scrounging and reading yaoi manga on a whim. There was one I really liked about a dark skinned guy who sought refuge at a church because everybody treated him badly. He had horns and a tail, though really, he's the hottest guy in the whole book! So yeah, actually he's an incubus who somehow got lost in the human world. So yeah, he and the priest began to have a sexual relationship *wink wink* it's even more enjoyable since it's so sinful, yet kinda sweet too. The incubus, while being kinda perverted and a tease, is at the same time devoted to the priest and kind of innocent. And it helps that humour was part of the plot, especially when his oldest brother, baldur, appeared on the scene. Yaoi aside, I really wonder if I can write such a story.. I seem to have lost my skill for writing. I have the ending vaguely there, where she follows envy to his death. Why? Because I love tragedies, and it seemed the only appropriate ending. After all, she's already the last of her long-forgotten kind. She belongs neither to the FMA world nor the world beyond the gate (ie our world, where seraphs aren't exactly common, nor accepted by everyone.) and in the beginning she never really had a purpose in her life until she began to turn into an aviaria drago during.. The full moon? But then her journey was driven only by curiosity. She never had anything to lose, nor was it ever her concern that amestris would later be threatened - though this attitude would not be immediately recognized by most, what with her cowardly 'I'm going to live!' attitude.
But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START!!! Plus my writing style is kinda crap.

Doubting myself

I think I screwed up my Chinese paper 1. I'm pretty bad at writing story compositions, especially Chinese ones. My grasp of the Chinese language is rudimentary, though I'm proud to say that I never speak Chinese inaccurately. I just hope I'll do better than I think I did. That's not saying anything, though. Last night I didnt sleep well. I woke up quite a few times because of the goddamned phone call of my uncle's friend in china, because my uncle suddenly got a heart attack there. Even now my 2 aunts are preparing to fly over to join him in case. But it really gets my goat that he can't call the handphone instead. At least the sound wouldn't reverberate throughout the house. Today is so not a good day..
I hate myself..
I'm still thinking about the envyxoc story.. Donno how I'll write it. Maybe I'll just go episode by episode. And I'll make her a shota after all, one who is kinda well known because pictures of him have been used as an incentive to lure young women into the military and some men too, sort of like Roy mustang's photos.. And it'll be funny! Haha. Perhaps I'll have 'him' kidnapped by envy during the burning library incident. Yeah. She overslept in the library and tried to fight them, but then scar appeared, everything got messed up so she tried to retreat after scar injured her quite severely, although she regenerated. Envy saw that so he kidnapped her. Fire is the antithesis of a fallen so she is probably weakened. Thats when envy picks her up.
But I've already started encountering problems at chapter 1. Should I have her waking up from a dream, then getting a mission from Roy mustang, or should I have her wake up while on a journey to reole, thus immediately launching into the action? I feel I might have to rewatch the show again.. But I think a shota would be kinda interesting. She could look 13, but claim she was 15, yet she's really an 18-year-old girl..

Yeah, yeah, I write too much nonsense

I really don't want to start studying! I just want to daydream.. Or better yet, read an envyxoc fanfic.. I want to be able to immerse myself in trying to write the story.. But I can't because I need to study for tomorrow.. What if I studied quickly, then I'd have time to write? Well, see, I'm now thinking that a Fallen Seraph ought to be the antithesis of a seraph, so it ought to be affiliated with ice the way a seraph is affiliated with fire. I was thinking of modifying the plot. Rather than have enfer be the seraph, I'll have her descend from one. Then, because of that curse(you know, the one where she morphs into an avian dragon thingy every new moon) she is on a quest to find the cure. But how do I fit that into the plot of alchemy? Perhaps she thinks the philosopher's stone can help her? Perhaps she thinks dante's knowledge may provide a clue as to what she is? Yeah, that might work, since some of her characteristics are remarkably similar to that of the homunculi. So anyway, probably in the 1600-1700s, there was drachma, a prosperous land with a tendency to flood. Then one day, the skies darkened and a huge ice storm blew through the land for 20 years. During this period, the climate of the land changed, till it is now the cold, frost-covered land it is. Some say that this was caused by the despair of an irridescent winged creature known as the Ice-bringer, or the Zaharen-Yce, which had suddenly appeared one day via a huge bright gate in the sky, which then closed up, leaving the creature trapped in this world. Its despair had unleashed a vast stream of power, which then iced drachma over. Having spent its power, it then disappeared along with the everlasting blizzard, leaving behind the legend of the Zaharen, a non-human people who had descended from this first winged creature. It is said that these people now walk amongst the human people of the various lands. They learnt to conceal their natures and thus coexist peacefully with humans. It is also speculated that the famous 'Man of the East', the one who first taught alchemy to the amestrians, was one of the zaharen.
So enfer is one of these. And she grew up not knowing of her heritage, but when she was a child, her mother used to tell the story of the Zaharen to her(it was a hint as to her true heritage). She never had the problem of the shapeshifting until she hit the age of 15. By then, her parents had already been killed in the Ishvallan war, so she was left without guidance, left to discover the secrets of her family and to survive on her own as the last child of an ancient race. Knowing that her best bet was to become a state alchemist (they had access to more resources etc) she became one. After all, she had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.. In the search, she caught dante's attention and was thus brought to work with her. But then perhaps I'll follow the adventures of fullmetal alchemist, and she'll perish at the end since she'll probably never find a way back, never fit in anywhere, being the lost child of a long-forgotten race.. How, though? What's a glamorous way to die?
Hey, I like this story! It's certainly tragic enough.. I just hope I don't give up halfway..

I am bad at titles

Oh, oh, I learnt something new today! Just now I was checking my email inbox and I was reading the newest chapter of one of the better envyxoc stories! There is a new homunculus, vainglory. So I googled it, and now I know the difference between vainglory and pride. Vainglory is the beginning of pride, and pride the end of vainglory. Vainglory is concerned with recognition; to be the best so that others will know you're the best. It doesn't care very much about the power that comes from being the best. Pride, on the other hand, is ok with being hidden, but wants power to wield. I wonder which is a worse sin? I admit I may be guilty of vainglory.. But I don't think it's a bad thing as long as it doesn't become a weakness, or morph into pride. Vainglory is a good motivation. Because achievement in this world is important in order to survive and live well. Actually, I still don't understand why some sins are actually sins.. But I'll just swallow them whole in such a story.. Now, then, how do I start? Maybe I should really start writing.. Study later.. Maybe at 4pm.

Continued brainstorming of plot

I remember the deal Enfer was going to offer Dante. There was something about dante's soul running out of energy, so she offers to remake her soul and give her another fallen seraph's body. This is so that Dante won't be bothered to steal enfer's body. Anyway, a human soul is always too weak to inhabit a seraph's body, and a seraph's soul is too fiery for a human body. So there. Fallen seraphs symbolize a loss of faith, hence the profusion of fallen seraphs in the world beyond the Gate aka more beautiful people. I have come up with reasons for envy being the one to guard her. First, since he is dante's son he is the most trusted. Secondly, he is the only one who can overpower her. All the homunculi match her in speed and ability, but enfer's strength gives her an edge over them in that she can fling them away. However, envy, being much more massive than he looks, has too much inertia for her to be able to use her strength to throw him away. The moment he sits on her she can't move.. -.-
So initially they think enfer is a boy, but then envy walks in on her showering/changing. He doesn't see much, but enough to know she's female. Then of course Dante knows. However, how will she react? Will she make enfer dress in gowns and stuff or just continue with her clothes? Ah, perhaps enfer came to Dante on a stormy night and made the deal with her. Then she accepts dante's hospitality and so goes to bathe. Envy, bringing a change of clothes for her, discovers her true sex and hence tells Dante, who provides a change of female clothing instead. So what does enfer want from Dante? Maybe to learn the truth behind alchemy? Admittedly Dante doesn't know everything, but she's the most knowledgeable. Enfer wants to go back to her own world and hence needs to know more about alchemy. So in return for dante's hospitality enfer works with envy on missions if required. Envy is of course told to protect her with his life. This begets the question: how did enfer know about Dante in the first place? How did she think to make a deal with her? Is she going to meet a homunculus? How should I start the story? From the point where she talks with Dante, or before that, when she is a state alchemist? Or way before that, with a prologue telling of the legend of the girl from the sky, told to children at bedtime? Then I'd have to write a story within a story. So it'll be a legend? Maybe when she first appeared in this FMA world she hadn't a human guise yet. And thus was born the legend, which probably happened in xerxes? Then about a 100 years later, or depending on the time period(looks like I'd need a lot of reading up. Thank god for mercies like wiki!) she exists as the Irritum alchemist, so named because she makes things 'disappear', actually turning matter into energy which she stores. This allows her to achieve superhuman feats, the way a philosopher's stone does for its user. Except she needs something to store the energy. What could it be? Maybe a jewel she calls irridium? Hmm.. What Colour? Black, but with irridescent colours? Yes, and harder than diamond. It looks as if a star has been trapped within the stone. Embedded in her flesh, just under the collarbone. Or on her forehead; she could cover it with.. Her hat? Or maybe just silk. Or perhaps a forehead ornament when dressed as a female. So yes, her fighting style is never flashy, unless she's really threatened. Perhaps her fighting style could also incorporate shadow clones (kind of like naruto, heh heh.) to confuse the enemy while the real deal sneaks up and changes him to energy to be stored/apprehends him as needed. These shadow clones require her stored energy, because they form real matter, but these then return to her stored energy after the battle. But she probably doesn't tell people the truth behind where she stores the energy. Perhaps she'll have a decoy jewel- an amethyst on her silver bangle.. What should she fight with in hand2hand combat, though? Perhaps foot-long scythe-like blades? Because I like that style of fighting; it's dazzling and sneaky, in slashes and speed-dashes and twirls and leaps, graceful and lethal like a praying mantis. The principle of her attacks is to strike viciously, then retreat from counters, then start again. The end of the combo is the nicest with the 2 blades slashing down like the deadly strike of a mantis, before she does a backflip to get away from the enemy's possible return strike. Damn.. How will I convey that in my words? Anyway, she probably doesn't carry weapons around, so she'll transmute them as and when she needs them. She doesn't even need to clap to transmute, but to hide this fact, she wears gloves like mustang's, except maybe black with a gold transmutation circle. So in fact, she doesn't really use this world's alchemy, and although she knows the theory and is capable of applying it to solve cases in her mission as well as assess her enemies, she actually doesn't genuinely understand alchemy hence needing dante's help.
But then, what kind of adversary will the story have? How do I make it eventful? How do I integrate romance into the plot if I have no real understanding of it? I don't really want any sexual content in the story, more of a budding relationship between her and envy which is sometimes dark and cruel yet intoxicating; never too gentle and fluffy. but sex-stuff is the only kind of understanding I have of romance (read too many of such stories, especially in yaoi..) .. Pathetic, huh? Please don't tell me I need to be in love to be able to write such a story, because then I'd never be able to write this story.. -.- geez..

Sigh

Right now I don't want to move, you know? Even though I'm supposed to go have a bath now.. I'm such a lazy ass.. Well I suppose I need to catch up with my work tomorrow.. By the way, fanfiction makes the reader realize the hotness of certain characters.. Eg Envy, and now Tyki Mykk.. Lolz. I'm feeling tired but at the same time I don't think I'd be able to sleep.. Gya! It's my A levels on mon! And I'm still obsessed with the envy story! How on earth do I make the plot go? Gyah ah ah! DX
I was reading two macabre manga series.. I'm hoping I'll find more of such weird and creepy series to read.. They give me the best spine-tingling sensations!
By the way, for envy's story, I'm probably going to use a very cliche plot device- having enfer captured by Dante, or offering to work with Dante. She'll probably be wanting something from Dante, and make a deal with her.. Maybe to give her sn everlasting body? Then envy is supposed to guard her or something. So he can't be cruel since it's dante's orders. But then how will he treat her? It's strange.. -.-

Continued musings on oc

Well, her being kinda short and all, I think she'd be more of a stealth person.. That would fit her title too.. So how about disguise and then alchemy sneak attacks? Like using her speed to quickly deconstruct her enemy.. Or poison. Or dazzling the opponent before immediately going for the kill, since she can't afford sustained hand-to-hand combat (I've just decided that one of her weaknesses is to tire easily. Another is that she's cold-blooded-her blood causes ice burns- so she can't survive long in super-cold surroundings. Perhaps she hibernates? Haha. Possible.)
Wait a minute.. A trench coat wouldn't suit a short person, right? But it does look fine on Allen walker or kuroyuri from 07ghost.. Maybe it'll be less heavy. Gloves are a must, and she'll probably wear alot of black and white to remain inconspicuous. Except for a light blue string tie. However, perhaps 'he' will wear just a white dress shirt, vest, and knee length shorts in the city of Leto(?) since it's too hot.. And a pageboy cap! ^^

Contemplating taking up an old pastime

Recently I fell in love with envy from fullmetal alchemist! I'm desperately looking for envyxoc fanfiction because strangely, though I'm a yaoi fan, I didn't want envy as anything less than straight. But I couldn't find any which were good in that it portrayed the kind of relationship I liked to read about, while still keeping envy in character (I like them in character, because then I'd find it more believable and hence enjoy the story much more). Or at least, none that have gotten to the smut/fluff (I don't know what's the difference so whatever) because they most probably have given up on their stories, seeing as how FMA series gas ended.. So I'm seriously contemplating writing my own.. Except I really don't know how to feel like the characters I often read about and aim to portray.. I mean, even though I read all these angst/dark-romance FIcs I don't really empathize with the story characters.. I just savour the plot.. So I'll probably need to reread some of my very favorite FIcs to try and get a feel of the writing style and story flow.. Wonder if I'll be up to it?
Well, I'm seriously thinking about my oc, for one. I definitely want her character design to be a little japanese. Eg her outfit would most probably be like the one oichi from samurai warriors 2 or 3 wears. She would be inspired by victorique from gosick and chi from chobits.. Maybe I'll make her hair long and slightly more silvery than platinum blond; almost ivory but shinier.. Of short stature. She could've been a seraph from the other side of the gate, but her six wings do not appear in this world; instead, they show up as faint etchings on her back. She looks like a doll fashioned by the hands of god himself- pale and fragile and petite and dollfaced. Well, almost. I can't stand absolute perfection, so I'll probably make her imperfect in some way. Just.. What kind of imperfection? Fangs? Claws? Blindness? Maybe that last one. She's definitely beautiful, but I don't want get face to ever be seen by anybody.. Maybe it could be obscured by goggles.. You know, the kind tousen from Bleach wears. Ah ha! She passes herself off as a prepubescent boy with long, braided hair! She has actually lost her memory of once being a seraph, so she currently works as a state alchemist who's very bored and apathetic in living 'his' life.. Very unfeeling and unable to understand most humans. Sort of like ciel phantomhive. And she heals almost as fast as a homunculus, though only if they are not totally severe injuries like being beheaded, and she cant regenerate her limbs.. (duh. Else there wont be a story since she would never be harmed.) that should connect her with envy. Because i believe that given the right pairing, envy in love, or just caring for somebody, should not be ooc for him. Though he does it in a brash, homicidal way like the psycho he is. Should my oc be blind? But then she wouldn't be able to see envy..
Ok, so she'll be passing herself off as a young, beautiful boy in glasses(or perhaps a blindfold?sort of a way to control her powers.) what power should she have? I was thinking she's not just an ordinary human so she probably has magic powers(which she usually doesnt make use of, rxcept maybe the first one) like telekinesis(most probably, though it has to be limited), elemental stuff(how do I limit this..). Since I always thought of Seraphs as having a few beastly attributes (maybe avian, or feline, or draconian?) she'd probably have some of these animalistic instincts, which she subtly makes use of. I've always dreamed of having an oc suffer the effects of transforming into a different creature during some specific period, though maybe not a wolf.. How about some dragon-avian like thing?(the western dragon type, I mean. Of course I'll probably try to draw it myself so my readers can see it too) It's probably pretty ferocious, though still sentient and not totally out of control. It's not the oc's human consciousness, but neither is it savage. Anyway, she probably fights using average alchemical skills and good reflexes, but she's not going to specialise in any one element, because she's got affinity for all (like, cos of her elemental powers..)
So.. What should her eye Colour be? I was thinking one should be a beautiful cherry blossom pink like hiou shizuka in vampire knight while the other should be a bright aquamarine (you know, to symbolize that while her sex is female because I said so, her gender is in fact kinda ambiguous. If you can't tell the difference between the two terms-for there is one-go google the answer. Btw the idea is that baby girls are dressed in pink while baby boys are dressed in blue.. Lame, I know.) however, I'm kinda afraid I'll be flamed for it being a marysue characteristic.. She's probably got a heartshaped face with small pouty lips like my own (because I have them, and they aren't common. I don't want to be the only one with them! I don't mean to say she's modeled after me, because she's most definitely not. I'm Asian.. So she's also modeled after a doll i saw once. In my childhood, i used to make up heroic stories about her.) and pale skin. I don't know why, but I want her to be good at gambling! (maybe there's an explanation.. She's a seraph, after all.. Thus she has great luck) however, she has vices like drinking, stealing etc. An impure seraph, maybe fallen. Yeah, that might work. If she weren't fallen, she wouldn't have been summoned to FMA's world from the other side of the gate which is our world, because she'd have been safe in heaven instead. I believe she would have great physical strength(she can easily have her enemies in a chokehold with one hand and fling them across the room, cracking the wall on the opposite end. But, her body is fragile, so it's a contradiction.
So, what's her name and title? Hmm.. Her title.. Could it be the Irritum alchemist? (meaning 'void') and her name? Maybe.. Enfer Trinteza? Verloren enfer? Himmeleis enfer? Ushinawa cielo? Cielo filium? Oh man.. At least they sound male..
Real name? Maybe it will never be revealed.. Anyway throughout the series what would she be addressed as? Enfer? At least it sounds like envy.. And her blood will most probably be silver-blue, and burns like ice on contact. (Seraphs are supposed to be angels of flame, if I'm not wrong. I know they're associated with that element!)
Then, what should she wear? It can't be too girly like ciel's simply because it would not be believable in that she tried to disguise herself.. But it can't be too manly because prepubescent boys don't wear manly clothes..
Wait.. On second thought, she should be older than prepubescent eg maybe early teens kinda boy? Maybe a 15-year-old boy disguise. Then 'he' will wear a trench coat with a design like lelouch's and black pants underneath. Probably a plain white silk shirt underneath.. With a string tie like Allen walker's. Probably she's gonna wear a hat like yuber from suikoden.. What kind of weapons? Hmm.. I'll leave that to the next post. This is getting too long. Seriously.

Musing

I was just googling random stuff, you know, like when you type in a word and watch commonly-searched phrases pop up, and one of those was 'what is love' after 'what is planking'. So I began thinking about the different kinds of love. I'd like someone to feel agape for me- it's the purest form of love where the person who loves gives and does not expect anything in return. A sacrificial love. Unconditional love. Wouldn't that be great? I don't much care for the rest like 'eros'... Wonder if there are different types of hatred? I miss something, but I don't know, exactly, what it is. Strange, huh? Maybe I should just keep googling more fanfiction to distract myself. Except I can't find any good ones. I'd like to write an 'agape' story. And a story with the theme of slowly spiraling despair. And others too, maybe friendship, maybe normalcy, maybe.. Well, I'd love to start writing soon. Maybe also stories of an alternate way of viewing the world. Except I'm not the person I once was, so I might not be able to step into that world again. Stories of magic, of prophesy, of curses, of legends set in stone. Stories of the seraphim, the hellings, the spirits, the demons. Especially the eternally lengthening tale of the Child of Destiny, a girl young as eternity, who is instrumental in the existence of destiny. Maybe I'll write one one day, though when that is, I cannot say.

What the hell, you asshole

You know, I really hate it when people think they can analyse me. I mean, who the hell do they think they are? Like, what, show some interest and I'll open up to you? I never really thought he was irritating, but after the way he tried to understand me(like some kind of curiosity) I'm really annoyed by him. Excuse me? Stupid f-ing poncy. I bet those two boys were sort of conspiring against me. And I bet they tried to sweet-talk me. That pisses me off more! And I heard from the f-ing irritant that his friend did mention once that I was quite good-looking(not that I deny it, but I won't believe it to the extent that I get so full of myself. After all prettier girls abound.) that sets me off more because it reminds me of the way this lousy world works. People only treat the pretty ones well. Everybody (ok, almost everybody) is a f*cker. I mean that literally. That's the most basic instinct, I believe. Well, yea, maybe I'm a misanthrope, but I think I bloody well have a right to be. I haven't met truly pure people before. Even that which I once thought was pure is, in fact, tainted. I know I'm speaking in riddles. It's on purpose. But let's just say I'm disappointed. Really.
I know for a fact that what I've said about favoritism based on looks is true. Because people have treated me better based on my looks. When that happens, I just count it as a blessing, as another way I can better survive in the world. I have no redeeming qualities I can be certain of; I'll take what I can get. And that includes not allowing anyone else in.
Anyway, on to more mundane topics. I just needed to let my anger out. I am required to make a choice on what topic I will take next year for geography. Should I take hydrology or urban geography? I am uncertain of my own strength. I would rather take the former because one of the reasons I chose Geog as a subject was to understand the workings of the world around me better. I find anything relating to the human world eg economics, resource constraint etc pointless, partly due to my misanthropy. Yet, since urban Geog would provide me with information so I may be able to do my general paper better, I am tempted to pick that. Don't you just love it when you can Kill two tweeties with one strike? But if it turns out to not be my strength it'll backfire like nobody's business.
By the way, I found a real cool vocaloid song, 'Tokyo Teddy bear'. Too bad I couldn't find the English translation, since I like to know the meaning of the song I'm listening to, if there is any. And most of the ones I select do. Because I have great taste in songs. Ha! Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now, since I grow weary.

Well.

This sucks. I've been waiting at a classmate's house for some other project group members since early afternoon! We have to do an f-ing skit!! DX oh, this gets better because I'm DA MOM. Really, I hate children. I hate motherly figures also. I hate mother hens. So, what was I thinking, man? Well, I don't know, and I shouldn't care. So, anyway, I was reading this really interesting fanfic where Draco malfoy had a spell cast on him which would make him desire his worst enemy. So of course that would be Harry potter. It gets darker and darker as Draco keeps changing tactics to get Harry to allow him to f*ck him. Draco loves Harry so much he tortures and kills for him, even when the opponents are his own parents. He lives for Harry. At one point, Draco, being overcome with hunger and gaping emptiness, attempts to eat himself in despair. When I read that part, my heart clenched like nobody's business. But I didn't like the end; it was a little anticlimatic.. But I LOVED this! It was the best ever! Plus it didn't have any insinuations that Harry and draco had something between them previously, even without the events which befell him. So I loved it! Yay!

Neheheheh!

I didn't go to school today! But I'm really worried about disciplinary records and the impression my form teacher might have on me. Honestly, thinking about it now, I think I have an abysmally low chance of getting into the choice I want, or even being chosen for the school's programme I wanted to be in. Really. My grades aren't fantastic, I'm often late, I don't think I made a really extraordinary impression at the interview, and I'm too unfettered to make a really fantastic impression on my subject teachers, whose inputs contribute a determining factor in whether or not I'm chosen. Anyway.
I'm procrastinating right now, because I really don't want to start on my work. Project work. Especially the EoM, which I have to hand in by tomorrow. It's not a draft, but the final copy. So ya, I have little choice. But that doesn't stop me from procrastinating.
My mom's off to India, I believe. So my grandma's here till the weekend, I presume. I guess I should've greeted her the moment she came, but I'm procrastinating. So I'll probably do it after a shower. Which I'm trying to put off, also.
I was reading fanfiction and an interesting manhwa series just now. It's not what I would usually have read, but sometimes people need something mindless in order to successfully procrastinate. There was this really interesting khr fanfic too! About tsuna being banished into the past, and ge became vongola primo's advisor. It was really cool!! ^^ I subscribed immediately. Haha. But now, seeing as I'm almost done with this entry, I suppose I can't put off my shower any longer(yeah, yeah, I know, who puts off something as minor as showering, anyway? But I'm inertic- remember the word I made up?- so I'm even trying to put off minor things.)
I will now end off with a curse to the Forces in my Life which relentlessly conspire to force me out of my inertia and my desire to laze forever in my room, reading fanfiction and generally doing mindless things. These include the need for school, the EoM I must complete, PW in general, the need to shower, the need to drink water, the need to pack my bag, the need to get off my tuffet and out of my room, etc etc. So I'll be off now. *sob sob*

After most of the trials..

Today was the goddamned 'interview'. Actually, not really since it involves all of the people going into the room at the same time. It's more like being briefed. It's really lame, but I actually forgot what my other 2 choices were.. So I didn't open my mouth. I just hope it doesn't affect the teachers' perceptions.
And there are still trials to overcome.
1. My EoM is due on this friday so I need to finish by tomorrow (I'm not planning to go to school since it's just a goddamn waste of time and I'd need to participate in the sports festival)
2. My OP though I've done the rough speech(I might need to start practicing soon, then change A LOT since I copied and pasted from the WR itself)
3. My WR 3rd draft(gods, I could've done without that!)
Plus I feel guilty for not going for any EoM consultations..
I was just reading a Harry potter fanfic which consisted of a threesome (Harry, malfoy, snape) relationship. Lolz I really think I might be influenced and am being converted to a pervert.. Haha.
I was also thinking about a Harry potter fic I read before this one, and Harry was a dark lord and a slut.. /.-
You know, what might annoy me alot is that somebody seems to be getting the wrong idea about me, that I might be interested in that person (which is so obviously not, but who knows?). I don't know if it's true, but from the way that certain person keeps serving to look at me, I get that intuitive feeling. What, you don't believe me?! Really, my intuition works well when it needs to! It's so insulting.. As if I would be that kind of idiot.. I hope I'm just thinking too much..

Almost over..

Well, my exams are officially over. I didn't do as badly for chemistry as I expected. Not that it means anything, since I still didn't complete a few questions, especially organic chem. But the trials are not over. Tomorrow I have an interview for the TIP that I wanted to take part in. I'm really afraid, because I have no idea what to expect. I'm really afraid I'll blank out and then make a right fool of myself. And tomorrow I'd have to sit through quite a ling period of time - the sports festival. It's not something that sounds appealing to me, because I'm not exactly a sports buff, and worse, what if it means I'm required to participate in some sports thingy?!! I'm so not looking forward to that! Not at all!!!
Moreover, the challenges I have to face are not over yet, because they also include Pw, as well as the oral presentation. And oh shit, of course I had to go forget the EoM final submission! I'm still not exactly sure when I need to submit it! But I know I have to get to work soon. Damn it all! Though right now I'm most concerned about the impending interview of accursed doom..
The outing with my supposedly best pals didn't go too well, either. It just was boring. And I felt myself suddenly starting to zone out every now and then, and I was sure they noticed and were impatient about that. So it's left a bitter aftertaste..
I'm determined to write my own fanfiction, and soon. I don't care!
Anyway I'll be off to eat now.. Before finishing my appointment.
P. S. I hate hate hate wasting my time!!!

I feel terrible

Yes, as the title says, I really feel terrible. I feel like crying. I don't think I did well on my test at all! And after the test I think most ppl found it easy. What, I'm gonna be the worst now? I'm gonna have to suck it up? What the hell!!! I'm really exhausted. Emotionally, especially. I really, really want to be promoted. I'm so sick of this feeling bad. I hate life, really, I do. There aren't enough good fanfictions, not enough time to read them, everything is too hard. I hate feeling bad about myself. How am I going to do well at the goddamned interview if I can't speak confidently about my strong traits, as I can't when my grades don't show what I tell about myself? I hate this, I hate this! I feel like vomiting. I feel really gloomy. I hate hate hate this!

Languishing in the throes of procrastination

Ok, I have no idea what that title means. I suppose it has something to do with how I'm feeling now. It's 547pm, and I've just started on my maths revision - the last part which I hadn't done before today. I'm in no mood to study, and I admit it could be due to my mind already getting out of the study mood it was in last week, which is probably the result of me dear mind gorging on the wonder that is fanfiction. So yea, I'm a procrastinator right now.
Sometimes it strikes me how much of a glutton for suffering I am. Yea, I'm well aware of the effect fanfiction has on my mind, but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm well aware of the mental torture I'd undoubtedly be putting myself in if I continue procrastinating. I'm well aware of the sweet heartache I'll feel when I finish reading a well-written angst story, and even more when I know I don't read the sequel. But I still continue on my accursed path. Why, I wonder? I'm not sure, myself. Yes, just now I was reading this really good angst story about Harry potter defeating voldermort, who cursed him with the last of his magic so that the former gets transported back through time, where the Marauders and Snape are 7th year students. Pairing of snape and Harry, who's known as Jonathan frost. It's angst because in the end snape waits uselessly and faithfully for frost until 20years later, during which he feels the hope slowly shrivel up and perish within his slowly embittering and hardening heart. Boy does it make me want to weep. Can you believe I actually, in a way, enjoy this feeling? Yes, I think I'm crazy, too, thank you very much. Anyway. Though there's a sequel, I'm willing to leave it at that, meaning I won't read the sequel. It might mar my beautiful memory of the tale.
This afternoon was spent playing ps2 with my younger bro, again. Lol, at least no one can complain that I wasn't a good sister who didn't take the time to bond with my sibling. Homestly, there are times when I feel like I'm actually more immature than he is, and I'm 4 years older! Geez. What will I do with myself? I might talk a little more later, but for now, I don't know why I'm so relaxed...

Lazybones

I won't pretend I'm a hardworking person. Maybe I once was, but right now I'm lazing on my bed, trying to find things to do which would postpone my interview preparation and studying of maths. Seriously, I hate number patterns. They are the most useless. I've decided I'll start doing those stuff only at 2pm! Ha! But probably I'll renegade on my promise to myself and start even later. Ah well. I'm gonna see if my bro's up for another game.
Btw the time zone's wrong again. It's the next morning, on sat. And it's 1036am. Geez.

An update on the current state of my ordinary life

Well, exams are almost over - I just have 2 more to overcome. I'm really not confident in my performance, I have to admit, especially for GP and geography (the last question. It was on a case study of TNCs which I didn't have time to research on, so I just spouted anything and everything I could come up with, in the hope that I might get at least 1 mark. Though I don't think the teacher is so easily hoodwinked. But you can't blame a girl for trying, can you?)
For GP, I practically had no examples, and I think my writing style sucked. Bigtime. Imagine my utter apprehension when I emerged from the classroom overhearing that most of my classmates had chosen a certain question because of notes the teacher had given. I'm really worried that I'll be the worst-scoring; having low marks and being the bottom doesn't do wonders for one's self-confidence, after all. I generally like to think that my paper 2 was better, but after the unexpectedly abysmal marks I got for the last practice.. I don't know. I can only hope.
And for geography, I feel that that was such a pity. I'd been so prepared for certain things! But no, they had to ask that accursed question on the only topic I didn't have time to study in. Really, I was strapped for time. I only managed to start studying Geog 2 days before the paper. Not 2 full days. One was the morning before my GP paper (on wed. Thu was my Geog) and when I came back from the exams in the evening. The second was in the morning just before my physics paper, and in the 2 hours just before my Geog paper. I had no other option. I was so prepared for physical Geog, and certain topics in human geog,too! Curse the setters of the paper.
Oh yeah, to make matters worse, Geog was on the same day as physics! So yeah, I was really stressed and anxious. I couldn't eat lunch on wed- my attempt led to me vomiting. I was irritable on thu. That's why I hate exams.
Today was Chinese paper. It was the earliest I've ever been dismissed from school! ^^ It wasn't too hard, except maybe the front part where I had to guess at the meaning of the words. Passing is a sure thing, but I'm worried about getting an E grade.
So now all that's left is math and Chem. I really need to pass. I don't wanna be retained. Especially chem. But I'm worried for my math too because there is a topic I haven't managed to cover (sequences and series, which is incredibly annoying because I hate dealing with number patterns). I suppose I'll have to begin tomorrow.
Just now I was checking my email, and I'm unpleasantly reminded of my impending internship interview.. It's on next Wednesday, just a day after my last exam. This means that I'll have to start preparing and gathering information earlier, maybe tomorrow too! I'm really hoping mom can help me with this one. I have never gone through such an experience before. I'm worried there'll be sarcastic or scary teachers around.. T.T
This afternoon was spent playing ps2 games with my brother and loading up my brain with fanfiction. I finished a hikaru no go one, read a deathnote AU one (and they censored all the lemony goodness, which I'm NOT happy about. Honestly! The author said I could find the link of the uncensored one but it's not there! Depriving me of my daily dose of lemonade, how dare you! I'm gonna suffer from lemons withdrawal syndrome, I tell you!) and found a deathnote-cum-code geass one(brilliant! Two geniuses interacting, and there's the promise of a bit of shonen ai! Though it's not what's important about the story). It is really interesting to see what will happen. As you may know, light has a god-complex, while lelouch believes in a hero, a ruler, somebody who is human and noble. I bet the latter's an atheist.
They both have the same ideal- justice. And their methods of operation are complete opposites - light as Kira was not the name he gave himself, and he preferred to remain obscure, while lelouch as zero is dramatic and regularly appears in the media, monopolizing the spotlight like an experienced politician. How will two very different people interact? Will they work together or against each other? And how will they choose to battle it out? It's really a plot which piques my interest. I'm hoping the author's muse pays him/her a visit soon. The story hasn't really gotten into the swing of things yet.
Well, I know I've been babbling quite a bit (who am I kidding; I've been babbling for about 10min!!) and I really ought to sleep now. Though I often wonder, is the blog's timezone set differently from my own? because it's 10.21pm here. I wonder how to set the correct time? (excuse me for being a noob!)

Depression alert! Depression alert! Do you copy? Depression alert!

Yes, as my overly ridiculous and dramatic title suggests (or screams, in this case) I am depressed. I feel irritated. I feel lethargic and inertic(that's a word I made up-it means full of inertia; not wanting to start moving, though not minding much when finally succeeding in moving). Every time I think of more torturous studying, I want to cry; it's gotten worse and worse since my last post. I don't know what's happened to me. I used to enjoy studying so much- now it's an activity I have more than enough of, that stops me from my beloved activities like lazing around and reading fanfiction and other stuff. Now I'm on my way to tuition, and I'm feeling terrible. It's the only reason I'm leaving my house today, else I'd be in my room the whole day, trying to focus on studying my ass off. I want to scream; I want to blame somebody for putting me through this; I want to cry. However, my character is not one which allows for that. I almost wish for the exams to be over already, except I still have something unpleasant awaiting me.
I might be on top of my studies if I can focus; that's what's torturing and tormenting me greatly.
My dear, when I am gone, please immortalise me in stone and marble, and let me live on in the hearts of people, the stories on their lips, and the strength of their belief. Scatter my ashes in the wind, but let me keep for myself, a peaceful little corner of England(why England? I have no idea. Harry potter, maybe? Well. That destroyed the mood pretty effectively, I'll bet.) Fare thee well, true love of mine, and make me a cambric shirt. Parseley, sage, Rosemary and thyme.

This is not just dramatics..

I think I'm feeling the equivalent of a mid-life crisis. Firstly, let's explain what a mid-life crisis is. It's when you suddenly realize that you have not much time to live ie you suddenly look at the calendar and go 'oh no! It's the year 2011 and I'm already 60!!' or something like that. You realize that you are running out of time. What have you actually been doing the last 20-30 years?!! Was there, really, anything meaningful? Then you realise, 'no!! All I've been doing, I can't remember much, but that's because it's always been meaningless'. So you panick. Where have all my dreams gone? Oh no! I don't have enough time to do all, and prepare myself before the unpleasant outcome of dying.
So, why do I say I have that equivalent, when I'm only 16? (yes, I'm merely a petulant teen) well, replace 'dying' with 'promos', 'working' with 'playing the day frivolously away', 'looking at the calendar' with 'looking at the clock and then the calendar, then the exam schedule', and 'where have all my dreams gone' with 'where have all my carefully hatched study plans and goals gone'; you'll just see the similarity. Only, the sudden realization that hits one in the gut like a sucker punch to a ninny stays unpleasantly the same. Life doesn't seem to ever give one a break, does it?
I can safely say I'm not the only teen who thinks like that. Just yesterday, I heard a girl crying in the school library's toilet, with 2 teachers standing outside worriedly. Apparently, she's broken down, maybe after being hit by that same realization. Can't say I sympathize though. I'm much too drained. In fact, I think I may be mildly (only mildly, so its really not a big deal) depressed. I found a pamphlet on depression in the taxi, and guess what. I actually display most of the depression symptoms! Lethargy, apathy, alternating sadness and anger, loss of energy.. Well, you get the picture. Actually, I don't think you do, but I don't care. Yes, I wonder too. If I'm so lethargic and apathetic, why do I bother writing here? Well, I had the urge to spill my guts (not literally, no, that would never happen) so I did. It feels sorta therapeutic. Maybe I needed to see a counsellor, but not talk. No. My way of communicating is through black and white, hard copy. Verbally, I could never truly express what I really feel. I could only spout pretty words of comfort, of reassurance, of praise. All are lies. Really, it's a habit. My throat clenches if I try to say an ugly word, even if it's true. Is that a good or bad thing? I have more to say, but I don't wanna waste time. I need to finish my physics revision by this evening, 520pm. Tatta!

Hell!!!!

This is so goddamn annoying.. I wanted to complete a certain portion of my syllabus today in order to be able to finish my revision for sciences by Thursday, but it's not gonna happen!!! Cos it's already 9+!!! and I'm aiming to sleep at 10! Shoots!!!! And there are tons of practice I need to get in, plus my tuition hw and school hmwk!!! I'm so dead, because then there's Geog too..
Not to mention I'm not certain I can keep this up. I was so sleepy in class today, it felt so terrible.. And I just had an unpleasant thought.. PE tmr!!!!!!! T.T I hate hate hate physical exercise, where you just run pointlessly under the hot sun and get tanned, and sweat a lot and waste time, when you could be studying for the goddamn promos! But I also vaguely recall something about canceling PE, though I'm not sure about the accuracy of my memory and whatever. But at least I caught up with the khr fanfic my friend was recommending me.. After promos I swear I'm gonna play as much as I want!!! Though of course I'll revise in order to make certain my foundations' intact. Anyway, im probably pushing the work back. Gonna sleep now.

See I told you!

My self-discipline is abysmally horrendous! I spent the whole of my weekend reading fanfic! *sobs* there's only a measly week before promos!!!! And I need 2 get practice! Especially organic chemistry, though I'm not confident about the rest. But math should be fine.. Right? Physics.. Well, I love physics, but I'm not always at the top of my game. I must improve! But how? There's only a goddamn week! And geography! I hare Geog! There's nothing for it. I'll have to try and finish my sciences subjects by Thursday. Then I'll have time to make Geog notes and study them. But oh god. Pls don't be so harsh on me. As much as I'd like to ramble on, I need to start getting ready for school. Till the next entry,then.

I am so disappointed..

In myself. I resolved that I would wake up early today. If I'd been successful I would've been able to clear off a large part of my syllabus. As it is, I've only finished 1 out of the many things on the to-do list I have. And now I can't do much more because I'll be having tuition today, the whole day, with only 30min breaks in between. I'm so not looking forward to that.. And I'll be busy during the breaks as well. I've got tons of things to do, and I'm certainly cursing my lack of self-discipline. I definitely must make up for the lax earlier! I really, really need to complete my to-do list. And I don't know why I'm rambling now, only I really need to ramble. The fact that I'm so weary doesn't help.

What the hell is going on?

Certain people seem to be pumping me for information on how much I've revised for my promotional exams. Its kinda scary.. And one of them seems really stressed. Not that I care. Im more scared that I won't get promoted. Because I don't wanna waste an additional year studying when I could be off to university in another year and a quarter. Well, I've become motivated to study. Heh heh. I'll do it as soon as I take a shower, or maybe a nap too. Well, at least tmr's Friday! And we won't be doing one of those accursed Chinese compos! Say what you will,but I dont like chinese lessons. I think they are just an additional burden (because my peers who don't take Chinese classes have more time and go home earlier) and I hate writing Chinese essays. They piss me off. But no, I don't mind reading the Chinese language. Im really ok with reading Chinese stuff, and I never have any problems understanding. But well, I digress.
I really wonder if there are people out there who really are talking about me. Cos there was this time in PE (what am I saying! It happened only today!) whereby I was walking towards a guy from another class who was seated. He actually stared for a bit(nothing remarkable) but then when i sat in front of him (duh,with my class) I heard some girl say 'if she put any more then might become albino' and some guy replied 'wow so bad!' and she was like 'oh sorry I didn't know you admired her' or something like that. I mean, I could be hypersensitive (hell, I probably was!) but with a look like what he had given me beforehand, how could I not be suspicious? Things like that have happened before, where it feels as if something concerns me, yet it just shouldn't be the case since they are not people I have even spoken to before. Its just weird. Doubtless I'm being paranoid,but better to know than not. I hope not,though. I don't like people touching me, I don't like strangers talking to me, hell, I don't even like people looking at me as I walk past them in the hallways! Even for a brief second. I don't like it. Subconsciously, I turn my head to the side a little and avert my eyes. Maybe it's poor self-confidence, but I don't want to see.. I don't know, their disgust or something. There! Now I know for sure there's something wrong with me. Disgust?!! What the hell?!!!! It seems like such a strong reaction..

Sigh..

What a waste of time that was. It's already 10pm, and the only thing I accomplished was that accursed written report. I can bet you I'll be getting a headache 2x as bad as the one I got today. Why? Well, there are at least 4 things I know will get me a headache. 1) getting brained by someone (duh..) 2) when the weather has that heavy 'i-want-to-rain-but-I'm-too-chicken-to' feeling, where the humidity in the air is not too heavy, but not light either 3) being sleep-deprived (for 3 weeks straight-I think I'm becoming an insomniac) 4) using the computer (really.)
Anyway, I have the feeling that certain people were only being nice cos they felt they had to be nice, which kinda pissed me off. And there was one who kept following me-hey, it's not my fault I'm used to being a loner and walking off alone with my head in the clouds.
Well, anyway, you probably can guess which 2 factors caused my headache now, can you? Actually, even if you can't I don't care. Who am I talking to?)
Hey that reminds me of lambo from khr! He always sings 'who am I?I am lambo!who are you?I am lambo!' or sth like that. It's really so cute! <3

Ok..

This isn't too bad. I don't know why, but I don't feel that down (though I'm so not looking forward to tmr morning- I'd be trying to edit my group's WR) even though during a gp lesson when we were having a minor comprehension test, I distinctly heard SOMEONE (yes, I know who it is; I won't implicate anybody) bitch about how he didn't like me and/or my handwriting, and said something about quality over quantity when I'd kind of lost control and wrote a bit too much (not that it's a bad thing). Geez, just leave me and my weirdness alone! It's not like I ever did something to wage war on the lot of them!
Anyway, where was I? Ah, my 'feel-good'ness. Probably the result of fanfiction too. Ah ha. Though I somehow feel like some people are being condescending in class. Well, whatever.

Damn..

See, this is what I mean by not keeping up the stamina. I'm barely keeping my eyes open,and I'm studying organic chemistry.. This really sucks. I'm so going back to sleep if I actually finish this fast. This is a short post, but I might edit it later, so.. Whatever.
Well, I slept, but for some godawful and unknown reason, my phone didn't wake me up an hour later. It wouldve woken me up at the normal time, if not for my family. So yea, I have alcohols and phenols not done..

Continued

Hey, hey!! I didn't know there was a word limit on posts!!! :-( anyway, I kinda forgot what to say, so hell. Maybe one day I'll post links to the stories, just for the heck of it..

About things I do on my iPhone to occupy my time

First, I'm blogging.
Second, I'm playing games. Like diner dash (cos it was suddenly made free to download- I'm a real stingy person who only goes after free games) on which I got stuck at the third restaurant. I didn't piss off anybody from the tables, but I just couldn't meet the goal money which would have allowed me to go to the next round. But nooooo. They had to ask for 9500! (or somewhere along that amount) so I'm pissed. As well as angry birds. The filthy green pigs could just lie down and die, but no! They had to wait to be bombarded, and those weren't successful attempts anyway.
Third, I do make use of the 'new media' eg social networking sites.
Fourth, I downloaded a manga reading app so I could unashamedly flaunt my totally geeky addiction to manga. Let's not forget anime too, though most sites' video streaming is not compatible with the iPhone.
Fifthly-oh wait,my gp teacher did say that we could only stop at four- ok, moreover, I read fanfiction! *bright smile* don't get me wrong, I love manga and all, but I'm better at words than pictures (hell,I even dream in words and narratives. Really.) so the well-written ones really are a godsend! (yes, yes, I know I sound religious, what with my usage of 'biblical expressions')
And it's even better when it's yaoi!!! XD ok, not the hardcore hardcore yaoi (think double p- never mind..) but I'm ok with mature themes. Yes, I'm a closet yaoi fan. But I don't like yuri, the female character equivalent of yaoi.. I just can't appreciate it. I know these genres probably don't portray real gays and lesbians, thus giving people the wrong idea and all, yet I feel that it actually helps foster open-mindedness.

Back to school again...

Nooooooo!!!!! I don't wanna go back to school tomorrow, I don't wanna!! T.T I just remembered that I might have a chemistry test tomorrow, and the day's almost gone so my only option's to try and swot it up tomorrow morning. Like, 2am,that kind of early? And I really don't think I'll have the stamina for it, seeing as I slept a mere 2 hours last night.. Plus doing it now's not an option. I have to finish one particularly obnoxious piece of geography research. Honestly, that's what I hate about the goddamned subject! It burns up too much time cos it's not enough that we have to have a large amount of stuff to memorize, but we also have to get the information by ourselves! DX and don't get me started on project work. I swear, whoever cooked up this lovely concept of PW is worse than Satan incarnate (I don't mean to spout blasphemy and I'm not a devil worshipper, but at least satan was portrayed in a pretty cool way in Paradise Lost, while that bastard who introduced Pw to the education syllabus should go jerk himself off and then die of a heart attack. Tough luck, I don't care how cruel and bitchy it sounds, cos the way I see it, my life's almost hell on earth.) I foresee myself suffering severe lack of sleep for at least the whole week.
And I don't wanna go back to school!!!! DX

A post

I must be insane. I slept at about 1230am, and woke up at 3am so I could catch up in my studies. And now I'm still nowhere near halfway done because I sort of slacked along the way, like what I'm doing now.

Random

Why do I feel so empty?? It's like my stomach is dropping away, my heart's trying to run a 'hardest-beating-heart marathon, and my head is full of steel wool.. I think I want something, but I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah, it sounds lame but whatever. The truth's the truth.

Ramble 2

The iPhone is addictive. This is an undeniable fact. Put me on a deserted island for a week and I'd still be happily entertained by the time you come get me (and I'm the kind of person who gets bored easily).
I hate project work. Why? Because it's a gross waste of time. I could be doing other stuff, or I could be occupying my time reclaiming my life.
I recently fell in love with fanfiction. Especially khr! I do read yaoi too,though.. :3
I was just thinking I didn't like my new gp tuition teacher.. He rambles on plenty in class, tries to act dramatic (really!), always seems to be using money to make a point, and he's surprisingly close-minded,for a gp teacher.. -.- not that I'm trying to generalize or anything, but isnt gp a subject where you're supposed to deal with multiple points of view? I would then expect a less complete rejection of the idea of certain kinds of people eg homosexuals.
I want to write a story. But the sad thing is, I seem to be severely lacking in imagination. Secondly, I have no time. Thirdly, I get bored easily. I used to be able to commit, but now it seems I've gotten more irresponsible and flighty the older I get. I wanna write a good khr fanfic because there really aren't many.
Just a few days ago, I got really angry. I mean, it's really not such a big issue, but I just couldn't stand it. The incident I came across drove home the cruel fact that people, most of them, are superficial creatures. No, I'm not the ugly one. Nobody's the ugly one. It's just got something to do with a change in view of the superficial person.
I'm addicted to RPGs.. I'm dead.
How long can a person last living on 3 hours of sleep everyday? I really want to know.

An introduction

Well! Actually, I created this blog a long, long time ago. But I couldn't log in for so long, that I just ignored it. That day, I was randomly looking for free iPhone apps to download, and I found the blogger app! So yeah, I'll probably start coming here to post stuff and ramble a bit (read: a lot.. -.-)
So, how's my life now? Pathetic, I would say. See,it just revolves around school and studies, and not by choice. The only thing keeping me going now is my pastimes (to give a small break from the constant frustration) and the thought that I would be wasting my time if I got retained in school. Because my goal's to get out of the education system as soon as I can, so all my education choices are calculated so I can finish education faster.
See? I'm rambling already. Well.